Hopeless...

Every day feels more and more stressful. I want to move into a house that we are buy and not spend all this money ($850 a mon) on a house that we are doombed to grow out of.. two bedrooms will not last forever. I hate that we are almost broke I feel like no matter how hard we try we don't get any further in anything. I need a job so I can afford to do more things like improve my credit in effort to get a house but even then I have so many unpaid doctor bills I don't know what to do with them all. We are like at least 40,000 in dept with no hope of getting out of it. I don't know what I have left to do. I'm so stressed now... not even 25 yet how is it possible to be that in dept... I feel like crying just thinking about it. Plus if we do get a house then what?! where is it going to be? Lansing? Bonner? Shawnee? Which i'll admit is nice but still. If we choose something outside of lansing Tre' has to move schools AGAIN... and I don't know that I can do that. Their such a great school... :(
Oh and then theirs the issue of my family. grrrr! they make me so frustrated!!!! I have my mother who makes promises to my kids and then ignores them or just decides that she needs to do something else. And instead of explaining it to me or them she just goes and does it, so I'm left trying to explain to my kids why we can't believe everything she says. and yes that needed to be said. though I hope she will never read this but honestly its the truth. and my dad who doesn't know how to visit, or is drunk every time we see or talk to him. and then wonders why we don't visit anymore. I'm sorry this doesn't work for me. you walk down a street and see a guy smokin or cursing you don't bring your kids up to them and let them play... thats what it feels like whenever I see him. He groses me out and I can't stand him. Sure he can be nice and he's decent with the kids... but thats just because they don't notice everything I do. my sister oddly enough is the most trustworthy person in my family at the moment though I detest her boyfriend/feance ugggg! I saw them the other day and he was acting like she wasn't even there.. he looked at me (including my butt) and grinned the entire time it was so nasty and it was right in front of her! how do you not notice that! so grossseeee! I'm sorry once you have a woman the least you could do is be descret about it... ew... sigh but what can you do. lordy what else. right so I switched to business instead of teaching.. I'm telling everyone its because I want more variation in my life but that isn't the reason... Its much more than that, but of course like all my other dumb secrets I can't talk about it here. sigh...
and really I'm still frustrated at God for everything thats happend and happening. I want to sit and cry over and over because I blame him for everything. I know I shouldn't.... that its all my fault but he hasn't helped at all. I tried to go to church and talk to people have friends even... but they either ignored me or acted like jerks... I hate people who judge you before they know you. people who love god should never be like that... I don't get it I mean he's suppose to be all forgiving and everything yet everyone who follows him and clames to do as their told treats anyone not like them like jerks. how can anyone want to be a follower when they deal with that?... I prayed every day non stop for weeks asking what i needed to do to get out of dept or where we could live what job to have... and instead of getting answers things got worse every day a new "surprise" bill would pop up something that would put us more in dept or take away from our diaper money... and I don't know what I did so wrong. For me it makes no sense. maybe to someone else but i don't get it. I even read my bible and everything. i was acting more like a christian more than any christian i knew at the time and it got me no where. I cried and yelled after several months of getting no where. I still cry and get upset about it it feels like he never wanted to help like he's just punishing me every day the problem is i don't even know why anymore... at first i thought it was because i had tre' so early but now i don't even know. sigh... i just wish i could fix this... all of it... bills... my lack of god... our house situation... I love where we live but i would love it better if it was becomeing more ours by the day... that and everyone i talk to says were paying an insane amount for rent... but its the only place that would take us without asking to many questions.... the stress is getting to much... its messing up my body horribly... besides the depression eating... i've got the dizziness... the feavers... moodswings no one needs to see. and all i know how to do is cry... yet it fixes nothing... i just want to start over...