Hopeless...

Every day feels more and more stressful. I want to move into a house that we are buy and not spend all this money ($850 a mon) on a house that we are doombed to grow out of.. two bedrooms will not last forever. I hate that we are almost broke I feel like no matter how hard we try we don't get any further in anything. I need a job so I can afford to do more things like improve my credit in effort to get a house but even then I have so many unpaid doctor bills I don't know what to do with them all. We are like at least 40,000 in dept with no hope of getting out of it. I don't know what I have left to do. I'm so stressed now... not even 25 yet how is it possible to be that in dept... I feel like crying just thinking about it. Plus if we do get a house then what?! where is it going to be? Lansing? Bonner? Shawnee? Which i'll admit is nice but still. If we choose something outside of lansing Tre' has to move schools AGAIN... and I don't know that I can do that. Their such a great school... :(
Oh and then theirs the issue of my family. grrrr! they make me so frustrated!!!! I have my mother who makes promises to my kids and then ignores them or just decides that she needs to do something else. And instead of explaining it to me or them she just goes and does it, so I'm left trying to explain to my kids why we can't believe everything she says. and yes that needed to be said. though I hope she will never read this but honestly its the truth. and my dad who doesn't know how to visit, or is drunk every time we see or talk to him. and then wonders why we don't visit anymore. I'm sorry this doesn't work for me. you walk down a street and see a guy smokin or cursing you don't bring your kids up to them and let them play... thats what it feels like whenever I see him. He groses me out and I can't stand him. Sure he can be nice and he's decent with the kids... but thats just because they don't notice everything I do. my sister oddly enough is the most trustworthy person in my family at the moment though I detest her boyfriend/feance ugggg! I saw them the other day and he was acting like she wasn't even there.. he looked at me (including my butt) and grinned the entire time it was so nasty and it was right in front of her! how do you not notice that! so grossseeee! I'm sorry once you have a woman the least you could do is be descret about it... ew... sigh but what can you do. lordy what else. right so I switched to business instead of teaching.. I'm telling everyone its because I want more variation in my life but that isn't the reason... Its much more than that, but of course like all my other dumb secrets I can't talk about it here. sigh...
and really I'm still frustrated at God for everything thats happend and happening. I want to sit and cry over and over because I blame him for everything. I know I shouldn't.... that its all my fault but he hasn't helped at all. I tried to go to church and talk to people have friends even... but they either ignored me or acted like jerks... I hate people who judge you before they know you. people who love god should never be like that... I don't get it I mean he's suppose to be all forgiving and everything yet everyone who follows him and clames to do as their told treats anyone not like them like jerks. how can anyone want to be a follower when they deal with that?... I prayed every day non stop for weeks asking what i needed to do to get out of dept or where we could live what job to have... and instead of getting answers things got worse every day a new "surprise" bill would pop up something that would put us more in dept or take away from our diaper money... and I don't know what I did so wrong. For me it makes no sense. maybe to someone else but i don't get it. I even read my bible and everything. i was acting more like a christian more than any christian i knew at the time and it got me no where. I cried and yelled after several months of getting no where. I still cry and get upset about it it feels like he never wanted to help like he's just punishing me every day the problem is i don't even know why anymore... at first i thought it was because i had tre' so early but now i don't even know. sigh... i just wish i could fix this... all of it... bills... my lack of god... our house situation... I love where we live but i would love it better if it was becomeing more ours by the day... that and everyone i talk to says were paying an insane amount for rent... but its the only place that would take us without asking to many questions.... the stress is getting to much... its messing up my body horribly... besides the depression eating... i've got the dizziness... the feavers... moodswings no one needs to see. and all i know how to do is cry... yet it fixes nothing... i just want to start over...

Chocolate Animal Cracker Butt!

I am soooo sore!!!! It started yesterday after I took a nap... I excersized right before nap, I did slim in 6 which is an amazing and easy workout that was the top workout like 4 years ago, I also paid $70 for it at the time and its still kicking my butt so I know its awesome... well anyway even though I stretched before and after I am having the worst trouble walking up and down the stairs and just in general my leg muscles are so sore right now I just want to sit and cry. I know it will get better but this feeling is soooo not a motivator. so my husband decided yesterday that he's sick of eating as much as he is and wants to loose weight. :D yay!!!! I have a food motivator now whoo!!! I know he won't have a lot of time a week to excersize with me but at least he will help me control portions. one step at a time right?

ha so I made the biggest decition of my life and possibly the dumbest.... as most of you know I have not been fond of the idea of teaching. It started to get stressful and the last thing I wanted to do so in effort to not make myself "stuck" in a job for my whole life I chose to switch my major to business. I am freaked out... I have never taken a business class in my life (aside from what my mom could teach me about budgeting) I am running on my husbands faith that I am able to do this, and if anyone knows me and my abilitys its him. I just wish I was as confident that I can do this as he is... but I found out that half of the classes in business I was already scheduled to take in teaching so one way or another I have no choice but to to do those. They don't sound TOO hard but again never done anything like this.

I recently came up with this plan and its developing constantly daily. Basically I want to open up a Photography/Wedding planning shop. One side is where I will have mettings with the brides and whatever family they have as a wedding planner and in the other half of the building will be a photography studio. Baisically the photographer/s will need to be able to do weddings but someone (or the same person) will also need to be present to have on-site shoots, meaning they will be taking engagment photos, family pictures, holliday pictures and the like. I adore the idea of being a wedding planner and I know photography is a huge thing involved with weddings so having them both I can totally set the bar :D one of those use our program you can have a discount on our photographer kind of thing. what do you guys think? could it work???
I have no clue where I would set up a business yet but I want to understand the process before getting in over my head. But it sounds like so much fun :D!!!!

on now for the explination of the tital.... basically I was eating chocolate animal crackers and I actually found one that was like two melded together to form a very realistic animal (like a donkey or something) that was actually fat and had two butt cheeks :D lol I was laughing so hard!!! It looks funny I might just take a picture and put it on facebook for kicks ;) Deffiantly showing the hubby though :D I love his reaction to things like that.... that whole your a dork but so cute kind of look lol

Thats it! lol give me your input I don't want to get crazy over something that won't work :)

Of Course!

Ya so yesterday couldn't have ended better.... or should i say this morning for you normal people. i was up till almost 6 but it was soooo worth it. (sorry to those who knows what that means ;)) anyway starting at the begining. yesterday i was miserable. my sister came over and my hubby tried to say bye to everyone but we were all kinda focused on her (and i was still mad) well he was set to close. even when he knows i'm mad about something he still usually stays till close and comes home and tries to fix it later. well yesterday arround 830 i was loosing it i had cried like 5 times i was so mad at myself. the last reasoning was because i felt like i ruined tre's really cool art project it got water on it and splashed i felt horrible and was loosing it again. i had started water for my mac and cheese because i tend to eat alot when i'm upset (and it was supper time but still) and i'm standing in the kitchen and he comes walking through the door. drops everything and hugs me. of course i was loosing it again lol. but he said he was sorry and he wanted to fix it and he couldn't work another min knowing i was upset. ya romantic much!!!! sigh.... it was awsome.... we snuggled up on the couch (all 5 of us) and watched dancing with the stars together and then went and bathed the kids then went to bed..... ish ;) it was awsome... and of course today he has this freakishly long work day... which in a way is probably a good thing since i have homework and he's a HUGE distraction.....

yes i still feel chunky and lazy but i've learned today that part of the reason i've been unmotivated is because i'm not listening to my body when it tells me i'm pushing to hard or when i'm sick. but i started taking things slow and stretching so maybe that will help... we will see.

i miss tre... i know he's having fun but it drives me crazy that hes gone... its also erry quiet...:/ oh well he will be home soon so i can relax... :)

I quit

grrrrr! guys suck.
ok they don't but that doesn't mean i can't be frsutrated some days. last night i went to bed alone. it was after 2am... is it that hard to go to bed on time? what is on time anyway.... i don't even know anymore. i hate being frustrated with him. i get 4 hours of sleep on an average night lately my days have been longer because we don't have naps we try it just never works anymore. i want to scream... i love him to death but i'm not doing this anymore. 2am is bedtime it has to be if its earlier yay! but thats the latest i'm staying up. i know i've said that like 100 times now but this is it. tre' has to go to school and when i'm passing out making him almost miss his bus that takes him to school by NOON theres a problem.

weight loss is a waste of time. i gave up a week or two ago. i'm frustrated with it its not working and i'm tired of doing it alone. i've ate what i've wanted and drank md like its water... and in return nature added like 8lbs.... sigh. i'm so tired of this. i need motivation. i feel like i should just go hide and cry for a few hours makig everything better... i know it wont work but that doesnt mean i don't want to.

tomorrow will be better. it has to be. i just don't know that i can get anything back the way it was. and its frustrating. so many things to think about. simply put God sucks, husbands are not reliable like they should be, and i'm a fat lazy mother that isn't going anywhere in life. rediculas? i don't think so. at least not at this point. theirs no other way for me to look at it right now. please remember that these are vents and may change completly in a day or two just what i'm feeling right now.

Things are changing every day... To be honest this whole photographer thing scares me. I mean i love taking pictures but i also get that there are like tones of people better than me out there and I know it will take me years before i can really sit down and prove that i can be just as good as anyone else but getting to that point is going to be hard. i know its something i want to do i just want to be good at it, i want to be able to look at my pictures and be proud of them and at this point i'm really not. i hate editing too, thats always driven me crazy a great photographer shouldn't have to edit hardly anything maybe a photo or two but even then they may not even need to keep those. also finding a job in photography to really make it worthwhile is not easy. one of the main places that have specific photgraphy jobs are newspapers and not many of them want a full time person they would rather buy a pic or two of the event from anyone with a decent shot and send them on their way. it sucks. i feel like i'm back at the beginning.

with my sister being a para it really kills the fun of that job, i mean if she can do it anyone can. i thought i was really good at it better than my whole family and they thought so too then all of a sudden my sister decides it would be cool i don't even know what possesed her to chose that over the million other things she's good at. but that left me with nothing. i don't know what to do now. i can't go into teaching when its already all about her and her future mother-in-law who is on the school board. urg!!! i'm at a loss what am i suppose to do now!? i mean oveasly right now i have my kids and they are my focus along with homework and hubby of course. but then what tre's already in school ben will be in school next year and ty soon after. its happening to fast. i'm not ready for this. my plans are being crushed. god chances are i'll be stuck working at walmart the rest of my life... or atleast through the christmas seasons though i have to admit it is pretty fun ;) if you like the high energy and fast pace work anyway. oh what else can i do... i feel so lackin in talent right now. everyone is already doing everything i thought interesting and most are doing it way better. you know the depressing thing... i actually thought about working at ph... i know scary right o.0 i mean thats totally his thing but most days he makes it sound fun and easy that it almost makes me want to be there enjoying it with him. and then reality sets in and i think better of it. POOOOO!!!!!


tre's been having great day's at school! i'm so happy and proud. he's such an amazing helpful loving kid. I know he will always be that way, its his personallity all he wants to do is help people and make everyone have a great day. he's always the one that comes up and gives me hugs and asks if i need anything or if i'm ok. hes even let me sit and cry on him a few times... which is sad because toddlers should never have to do that for their parents but i'm hardly ever reminded that he's only three... i need to make his birthday special this year... just not sure how to do it... i wonder if they make mario cakes lol.... oh right school well he got to get in the giant borrowed high school bus today. he was freaking he loved it and practicly ran up the steps it was so cute i barly got a bye lol. his brother was going crazy waving franticlly and trying to go with. i love his bus driver she is amazing, she even beeps and waves when she passes to make sure he knows that she saw him waving bye (again lol) though today he climbed out of the only slightly smaller but still as tall bus he took a step to quick and wasn't holding the rail so he kind just slid out of the bus to me and smiled and waved and said bye then we went inside once she was really gone and he finally said ow lol he only scraped his back a little bit it was hardly red but he still had to mention that it still hurt of course. another school day tomorrow... i'm already garenteed less than 6 hours of sleep now... oh well its worth it he loves school and i love him.

ben's doing a wonderful job potty training! he and i are finally connecting i'm actually getting hugs and stuff durring the day. he's starting to act like he needs me. whoo! so long story short he's very much a daddy and nana's boy he has always acted like he's hated me since birth actually. he's the only boy that didn't want to be held constantly in the hospital i tried too but he was more content in his plastic box lol. he also hardly ever came near me its always been about daddy... he was the favorite... in fact ben never even said any form of mommy till he was over a year old. it was depressing but again i had tre' who wanted no ones attention but mine.

tyler tried crawling today... this is nothing new for my boys they were all crawling and walking pretty early tre' was walking by 9 months and yes i have proof :P ben didn't want too he could but he always just crawled which started around 10months so he was a little behind his brothers rapid phaze. but they all rolled over quick and held bottles quick and that kind of thing very early it weirded out the doctors they didn't believe me most of the time. tyler is now 3 months whoo!

thats pretty much my only update for now.... not really thinking of anything else to say... probably going to watch a show then go to bed... wouldn't bother but the DVR is at 96% and we have stuff to record... so night :)

Decisions stink :P

Well.... today was eventful.... I don't even know what to say... (ok i do but still) my mother is an interesting person to be around... we went to half price and i watched her get horribly depressed about the price they were trying to give her for the dvd's and tv series she brought in. Just dumb... overall a bit stressful. I have a hard time with spending time with her since we are more different than I let on.

After our "fun" half price trip we went back to ph for supper... it was really weird everyone was staring at us and odly like 3 guys came over to look at the baby..... guys? really? ok.... I don't know what to think it was different. Sigh... the only enjoyment I got from going was admiring my sexy husband in his uniform.... thats probably the only part I like about him working... I keep telling him that too and he thinks I'm nutz.... so whats wrong with thinking he's hot isn't that the fun of being married ;) course then he comes home and switches to sweats and teeshirts and takes the fun out of it.... :P oh well. Walking in their seeing him stressed and upset he couldn't sit down with us made me want to drag him away and just take him home. It was really hard to just sit and wait till things calmed down... which they did and he was able to come see us a few times... but it was still hard and frustrating.

So found a better camera... I realized after deep thought that even though it comes with 2 lenses and a tone of other gagets that its only its an 8.o megapixel and the camera I have now (granted its just a regular camera) is a 7.1.... I figured that if I really wanted to do photography and be serouse about it I need a really good camera. So I found one (still the same brand cause I can keep my memory card that way) its a little more pricy but in some ways that helps me be more pacient and not rush out and grab it off the shelf... its amazing what happens when you look at things logicly right? I figured out for photography you don't need a degree... thankfully because according to a lot of people its a very high demand degree so their are hardly any spaces left for people who are just interested in the subject. plus it would mean going to a real college instead of online which doesn't work for me.

my baby's going to school monday... i feel like crying my eyes out... i'm going to miss him so much. he's already got the teacher's name memorized and the entire route through the school and he's totally psyched about the bus. I hope it lasts :( I don't know what i would do if i dropped him off and he burst into tears... i would probably grab him and put him back in the car and race home. as a parent thats the hardest thing you have to deal with are tears... especially scared tears... i lost it several times when he did that at his last school the first few times... it was sooo hard... i actually had to have my mom take him because i was barely making it back out of the classroom before i was crying with him. hopefully he will be better.

trying to think if their was anything else...
i have a 700 word paper due tomorrow i should work on so probably not... though i'll probably get a sucky grade anyway it seems to be the trend in these stupid classes. i was so afraid to start school just for this reason... i'm not smart. not book smart anyway... you ask me anything about relationships, people, anything like that and i can help or atleast tell you why they may be thinking or acting a certain way... i pride myself on knowing how to do that... but when it comes to math and science and all that book stuff i am so lost and feel like the dumb kid.... (course the learning disability doesn't help things... test anxioty is a killer for me every time) i was getting excited because my first few classes were so easy and i flew right through them... then the computer class hit and i was mad and frustrated because i couldn't understand anything it was horrible. and now these classes i finally think i get it and it blows up in my face.. no one even coments on my posts its like i don't even exsist. i know it will be better... i mean it realllllly needs to be but right now i just want to scream and quit.... and it doesn't help that i have now put teaching as like my backup backup plan... i have so many other things that are sounding more interesting by the day it is making it difficult to be dedicated to classes on teaching... but i want a degree in something so like it or not i'm sticking to it... besides kids are my strong suite if i can't figure out questions about them i'm screwed...

oh well enough rambling...
If you have any questions for me or want to know anything just ask. I will answer 99.9% of your questions their are VERY few things i prefer not to talk about... in fact as i'm typing this i can't think of anything i would talk about... but who knows till you ask right... ? so go for it... its get to know Lora/Pixy week Bloggin'

Money... you can never have enough right?

Sigh... I know I need to relax and focus on more important things. But I can help getting stressed over stupid things. Really another vent about lack of money!?! apparently... Thats the price we pay for living on our own I guess. Better to have someplace to sleep than a bunch of stuff. I have to come up with some form of a plan for tre's birthday, though I don't know why I try no one really shows up sept my parents and they tend to object to almost every plan I make. My camera has 7 days left... I know theirs a bunch more but for some reason I'm horribly attached to this one... I don't know why its not even the first one I found but thats just my personality I guess.

Wii fit is going painful... I am so sore... I know thats expected for the most part but still... ow... at least I can feel it right?...

Hubby's dead tired... between the kids, homework, and stupid PH he's getting next to no sleep and its bugging me. I want him closer, I want less hours, sadly I really just want him home. This job has always been stresfull for me, I'm not fond of the people he works with or the fact that he is so crazy dedicated to them and they give him nothing in return. Its crap, and even though as his wife I am required to support him despite if I like it or not, it still frustrates me.

My mother is also saying she is coming over today... that alone is stressful. I don't know why it stresses me so much. I guess its mostly just little comments... like last time she said wow you started spring cleaning!.... hello! we've been here like a month its not going to be that dirty... and no I don't spring clean I clean every single morning so yeah it always looks nice in here atleast untill about 8pm then it gets slightly messy cause the kids start getting really crazy, but she came at like noon. sigh... stupid things I shouldn't be getting upset about. and yet these stupid hormones are driving me insane. Sigh...

I need chocolate... I can pretend that will help right? despite the million points... blah... Going back to finish more homework.... again :P